Friday, January 24, 2014

An old Unpublished Post..

As I was pondering weather or not to revive ye ol blog.. I found this old post sitting in the draft. It was written over 2 years ago. Just thought I would share it..

Do you evaluate yourself? I do. Too much and too constantly. When I use the word 'too' I really don't know what I'm comparing it with. Oops... 'don't know' is one of the 3 things that my new Boss says he dislikes.

'Don't know', 'Don't like' and '...' and I don't remember the third one. Hmm perhaps it was 'don't remember' ?? eheh

So well, we had a division meeting today. It was an induction for our new Boss if you must. For us to tell him about us and for us to gain his trust.

So we did the usual round the table introduce name, hobbies, family etc. When it came to my turn ...I didnt seem to have sold myself at all.

Gosh if I was a product I would be one that had a nice packaging with no nutrition facts written on it. Like if I was a wouldn't buy me cos you wouldn't find anywhere in the packaging stating that Im made of Pure Belgian Chocolate and Trans Fat Free. You would just see the words 'Biscuit' and 'made in france' and that surely wouldn't be enough for you to buy in.

If I know all these why didn't I do my best to make my first impression a lasting one? All I said was my name, where I worked before and mentioned that I had been a writer for an online magazine before and meekly added I was a model and that I lived in Cyberjaya and have no kids yet. Such a pity..a bimbo.

Sigh. I just didn't feel comfrotable getting excited telling everyone

- how I enjoyed go-karting (for fear of being challenged for a race. I am not the best but I enjoy it!),

- of how I felt so free on the dance floor and on a stage (again..for fear of being forced to prove myself),

- of how I am obsessed with the beauty of the subconscious mind - deciphering dreams and putting them on paper and one day plan to publish a beautiful (but dark) picture book,

- and of the current dance/artform that I have taken up (yeah, Im not revealing it here either but its something like gymnastics)

Then I ponder (I hate getting after thought because I believe that the moment is HERE and NOW). I start to evaluate myself : Why did't I sell myself. Was it because I had my guard up? Was it because I didn't see the need to share my personal life with everyone just for the heck of it? Was it because I was not proud of myself? Was it because I was self conscious?

I have no idea what impression that I gave of...but for me judging myself I think seemed like a pretty boring person

Fast forward to current times and it is pretty much the same, I still don't over sell myself especially to people who I meet the first time. But I don't think I'm boring, instead I think if you spend enough time with me I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve!

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